“Come on, let’s stop this,” encouraged the boy.
“Stop what?” questioned the girl.
“The ignoring. I know. You have every right to. But I just think it’s a little petty that’s all.”
“Petty? I don’t know what you are talking about. And who the fuck are you anyway?”
“Come on. You know.” He mentioned a couple of thingys. You know, Celine and Jesse stuff.
“Oh yeah,” she acknowledged. “But what do you mean ignoring?”
“You don’t heart me anymore.”
“But isn’t it about the hits?”
“Look, I know why this happened.”
“Why what happened?”
“Why wasn’t I allowed to hit on her? I mean, yes I like you too, but come on, I’m a guy. And besides, I’m seriously single, so I mean, even if you really liked me, then I still think it’s petty. You know. To then attempt to have me free falling.”
“But that’s almost impossible,” she smiled knowingly. And then she snapped back into reality. Apparently. “Your arrogance. Your delusions. Unbelievable.”
“If one’s reality does not give them enough happiness – and they are a person who insists on being happy – then the only option is to be delusional. But some insist on only seeing what is real. Apparently.”
“That’s a little better,” the girl said. “Because me liking you! Boy oh boy, that is some delusion! Don’t you know that everything is just coincidence?”
“But there is no such thing as coincidence.”
“So are you going to hit on her now too? Are you some sort of HR whore?”
“The former or the latter.”
“Well, what else is a boy meant to do?”
“He is meant to be a man. And devote himself to one woman.”
“And be excruciatingly exhausting? I’m sorry my HR superstar, but I’m not going to let you get away with that one. And not just be exhausting, but open.”
“Open to what?”
“To being totally burned. And I have been. By the warmest of fires. So maybe it’s better to keep your options at least a little bit open.”
“Maybe think of the man as like a forest of the grandest bushland. His trunk is numerous eucalyptus trees, and there is leafy greenery all around. It’s beautiful. It’s so fucking beautiful. And he wishes to show off all of his beauty, really he does. But that fire, it’s going to start again at some point. How stupid and naïve then to just leave himself naked, without burning any of himself off before he allows the fire in. Because what is the point to anything if the fire doesn’t have a challenge? The fire doesn’t want to destroy you, but well, what can it do then when presented with such a circumstance? It has no other alternative. And it probably feels horrible after it has used all of your fuel too. And even in the instances when it just uses a little of it.”
“But then doesn’t the bush become even greater when it experiences its re-growth?” the girl suggested. Somehow she had managed to see past all of the smoke.
The boy simply smiled and nodded. But he did so for quite some time. He took in the freshness of feeling that this suggestion gave.
“Why are you badgering me so much?” commenced the girl. “Is it just because you like me?”
“Of course it’s because I like you. But it’s also because…well, quite frankly, I don’t have anything better to do!”
“That’s being totally frank. But why? You’re a handsome, fascinating boy.”
(Whispers to self, “She just called me handsome and fascinating,” then shakes head around to snap himself out of it)
“I was making some romantic forays towards someone, but well…”
“I walked into a glass wall.”
“Shattered!” They both giggled a little. “But you are not bloody?”
“No. It hurt. A little. But it’s not so bad. Who cares about trying to walk through a glass wall anyhoo? It’s the glass ceiling that I want to crack. So tell me oh brilliant and beautiful one – yes I’ve noticed your boobs too – what is it like up there?” he asked oh so endearingly.
“Stop it!” Had she managed to hide her smirk?
“Oh, there’s another thing,” the boy recommenced. “Another reason. For why I can be like this.”
“Can be like what?”
“Crazily intense, and out there, and honest,” he continued. “It’s because I lost hope. Not totally of course, but I lost hope in its immediacy. If there is an imaginary chance for something to happen with me with someone who is worthwhile, then I am less willing to be the who and you get more of the what. It’s a reaction built out of fear.”
“So you run away from the chance to be with someone that you love?”
“Fuck no. I would have to be a woman to do that!” he joked. And yes, she smiled too.
Because she so understood all of that.
“But what I do is that I will tame myself just a little, because now I am in a situation where at least in my mind, I have something to lose. And of course I don’t want to lose that. Therefore, when I have very little to lose it frees me up, and I have very little to lose on HR now.”
“But your sanity…”
“Lost a long time ago,” he smiled in wonder. “And you’d have to be pretty fucked up to want to keep all of that! Imagination. That’s where it’s at. But back on topic. I wrote and published an autobiography.”
“What was that called?”
“What? You mean you haven’t even stalked me?! For fucks sake!” He paused to giggle further inside at the sheer arrogance of even the mere suggestion. “Well it was called the Ruler Of Nothing…Important. It was highly delusional, but I had little enough fear to publish it because I had so little to lose. So if you want to tame me, give me something that is worthwhile to lose.”
“That sounds like some pretty good relationship type of blackmail right there,” she laughed. “But tell me,” the girl continued; “just what do you want from me? What step do you want me to take next?”
“Forgiveness,” suggested the boy. “Forgiveness for a stupid boy. Well we all are, right? So allow me back into your wide circle; I don’t need to be in your close knit group. Just let me out of your dark, and back into your light. What say you?
(Whispers to herself, “Oh my goodness gracious he said please. This boy is neediness personified.”)
“I heard that!”
“But he’s also crazy, cookie, cool.”
* I wrote this in a rush yesterday morning, though for some reason was determined to go one whole day without being active on HR. What a challenge! I still did plenty of bean stalkery though :)
Created: Apr 18, 2014gregoryrowlerson Document Media