The toad sat in the wet bog, wiping his tears and his dribble away from his lily pad, hoping that someday the fly he had always dreamed of would land nearby. This was in and of itself a somewhat surreal dream, seeing as how his dream fly was no fly at all, but a human woman with golden hair and dark skin, two descriptors which don't work very well between each other. But dream the toad did, dream and dream and dream, until one day there came a real fly, not a dream fly, and it was to be eaten since the toad was hungry. "Don't eat me! I'm no match for your insatiable hunger," said the fly. The toad thought this was true enough, but did not let this fly go so easily. "If I'm not to eat you, as I should, then you ought to do something for me, seeing as how I'm being so generous to you."
So the fly, being psychic (as all flies are), said, "I can bring you to your dream fly." And the toad leaped for joy, happily taking the fly's offer, which wasn't hard to desire. So the fly buzzed off, and the toad kept chase, not wanting to frighten the little bug, but struggling to keep sight of it. Eventually they came to a castle. The fly said, "Your dream fly is therein." And then it disappeared. The toad was overjoyed, but this was soon darkened by a conundrum: how does he get into the castle? The walls were high and thick, the moat deep and wide, and he was but a small toad.
As he pondered, thereby rode a knight in silver armor, spear at the ready, as if to battle. The toad saw the knight come at a distance and, being a clever amphibian, hopped up to the edge of the moat by the gate, suspecting that the knight would know of a way to enter the castle that the toad could not handle on his own. And right he was! For as soon as the knight reached the edge of the moat, he took a whistle from his belt and, with his pink human lips, blew a shrill noise which annoyed the toad to no end, until it did end, and then the bridge descended and the portcullis withdrew, allowing entrance to the castle. Away hopped the toad, and in galloped the knight.
But toads are slower than knights, and before the toad was fully half-way across the drawbridge, it began to draw upwards, and the portcullis downwards. What was the toad to do? He kept hopping and hopping, but soon he began sliding and sliding, until he was sliding uncontrollably towards a point where he would be both smashed upon the stones below and pricked by the portcullis' bars.
Luckily, a pair of hands rescued him. They were unpleasant hands, they were paw-like hands, they were goblin hands. Oh no, for toad! Goblins are somewhat fans of toads, in their consumption, to be precise. This is generally uncomfortable for toads, and rarely leads to the getting of dream flies, but instead to fry pans. The goblin plopped the toad into a satchel at his greasy, furry side, and away they walked, for what seemed to be an interminable period, but was actually a terminable period, since it ended when the goblin came to a standstill. Through the dirty, leather satchel, the toad heard human words.
"I am here for Valentina." This voice was large and strong, with boastful confidence and muscled verbosity.
"No Valentina. She elsewise thereplace. This place castlewise empty of girlparts." This voice was a reverse mirror to the first, being absent of muscled verbosity and extremely present of skinniness and teeth.
Again with muscled voice: "I have been sent here by Gidsimi. He has told me that you have her here in your keep. I demand that you release her." The boast was in greater fire here.
The teeth said: "Gidsimi is a traitor and a foolface. He would tell you many wrong thingparts, are that."
And so forth it went for some time. The toad was rather bored by all of this, and rather uncomfortable and stunned in this leather apartment. It was time to leave. So he squiggled and he wiggled and he giggled, the last being an uncomfortable affair, until he had escaped. By this time, there was no arguing between the teeth and the muscle, but just poking with sticks and swords and loud noises. It was an untoadly event, so the toad vacated it and hopped in the direction of a big stone Thing.
The big stone Thing had a big wooden Door on it. The toad was not tall enough to pull the door, nor small enough to crack into its secret insides. So, the toad sat and waited, hiding, hoping a hand more thumby than his would open the door. Most of the goblins were still engaged in the poking affair with the muscle knight, so the toad hopped about, looking for a better way inside.
"Here!" It was a mouse crying to him. "Come here, oafish fiddlestick toad! I will spectacle your hum bucket."
The toad did not understand what this meant, but remembered that mice are not well informed on speaking matters, so he assumed that the mouse meant to hide him. Which turned out to be the case, as the mouse led him into a hole underneath the big stone Thing.
"Welcoming to my abide. We are seaside here." Mice are funny creatures, as you well know. But sincere ones. Sometimes. Other times, not. So it toads.
The toad thanked the mouse, and asked about the location of his dream fly, a phrase which the mouse was unfamiliar with. Eventually, the toad realized that he should describe the dream fly, not merely what a dream fly is, for this would excruciatingly and inextricably entrap the mouse in a frenzy of miscommunication. So he said: dark skin, woman, blond hair. The mouse puzzled over these words, pouring himself and the toad a cup of tea in the process, which were served in decorated thimbles. "Ancient keepsafeties," the mouse had said of them. "From my cadaver and my obvious, who birthed my head both."
Having consumed exactly three cups of mousegrave tea in silence, the mouse jumped up and said, "You reek! Ah! It's the babe in the tower with points on her head! This is most grave, mousegrave Toad." The toad was only on his first thimble and was unimpressed.
The mouse led the toad up to the surface. There were goblins laying about, rather lazily, touching their stomachs and groaning, all of which the toad found rather excessive and untactful. Certainly untoadly. The goblins were also producing some red milk, which no one was drinking. The mouse said, "Ah, supers, incredulous feats! No more comelies." The toad nodded gravely.
They jumped up some stairs, which was harder for the mouse than the toad. "Impalpable decadence upwards," he mumbled digestively. They spiraled for some time, coming upon goblins every which way to Bogsville, until they finally reached a precipitous plateau at the top, where they found the silver, muscled knight, who had decided to join the goblins in their loafing and red milk producing. But he did not groan. The toad appreciated this evidence of the knight's foresight (also, this rhymes, but the toad doesn't like calling attention to his ambient poetry).
There was a big wooden door in front of the knight, and this made the toad grunt because he was not used to doors and was displeased with the castle's infatuation with them. He made this known to the mouse, who only said, "Doors big, mouse small, goblin is dumb. So it toads." The mouse then pulled his ear. The toad, again, nodded gravely and proceeded in hopping towards the door. Upon approaching the door, it opened, and his dream fly walked out.
She was a woman, had dark skin, and blond hair. All well and good, the toad thought. But there was a simple problem of her wearing clothes, specifically a golden dress to match her golden hair. This shall be unpleasant, thought the toad, in light of current facts. Before he could proceed, however, she said, "Damn, another one," referring to the knight without groaning. She returned to her room. Luckily, she left the door open. The toad hopped in. The mouse cried, "Slim pickings to the toadsome one!" The dream fly closed the door afterward
He was lucky to be in the lady's chamber. It was very heavy in bricks, but also silks, for she seemed to have lived there for some time, eating any number of things and watching any number of knights loaf in a red manner. There was a bed with draping about it, and a copper bathtub, which steamed in pleasant scents and glories. She took no notice of the toad. The toad took notice of his dream fly taking off her dress and stepping into the steaming tub. "Now's my chance," he thought rather loudly. He hopped towards the tub.
At this point, the dream fly took notice of him, and cooed slightly. "Oh, a toadsome friend. What are you doing so far from Bogville? Come, this tub is large enough for two." She plopped him in the tob, right on top of her rather agreeable belly. And the toad thought even louder, "Now's my super chance!" And while the dream fly had her eyes closed in a minor rapture, he opened his mouth wide to swallow her up in one bite. But the dream fly Valentina saw this and opened her mouth wider and swallowed the toad up in one bite before he could do likewise for her. "Very naughty toad, I'm no dream fly for you, today." She went on singing in her tub.
But the toad was no less excited being eaten by his dream fly than if he had eaten his dream fly. They were one at last. He smiled in her belly, where once he was upon it, and dreamed his dream fly's dreams.
Created: Nov 04, 2009Document Media