Swimming Story Treatment (Complete) - Swimming Collab

Cover Image

This is the complete version (all 3 parts together) of my Swimming Story Treatment Collab

I thought if the ‘now’ was done in muted tones and the memories and underworld images more brightly (hopefully why I thought this will be clear as you read through)


Zoom in on News Reporter on TV Screen:

News reporter concludes the news round:

“And finally, the sad news that rescuers and search parties have been recalled in the search for young Mary-Jane Elspeth. Mary-Jane was the close friend of Jake Hounslow who tragically disappeared in the lake near his family home earlier this year.

Few will forget the heart wrenching scenes of young Mary-Jane screaming at the lakeside

“Jake’s still out there, he wants to come home, you have to bring him home” as friends and family tried to lead her from the scene.

Or those of young Jake’s mother at the memorial service that was held after the search was ended some 20 days after his disappearance.

Now, once again, tragedy has struck this small country town, as another of its young children has apparently been claimed by the lake, and despite the best efforts of the rescue and search parties, they have been unable to locate her body.

From this young girl’s diary, examined to try and find any clues that may lead rescuers to her whereabouts, it seems that little Mary-Jane was never able to accept the loss of her dear friend Jake, and from the words she has written, the police have come to the sad conclusion, that unable to believe he was truly lost forever, she set out on her own to try and find him in the depths of the lake and bring him home one last time to say goodbye to his mother.

Our hearts go out to the community and especially the families of young Jake and Mary-Jane at this incredibly difficult time.

Volume fades as picture fades out to focus on Mary-Jane’s mother turning from the screen and picking up a pink cuddly rabbit as she turns and walks to the lake.


Fade in on Mary-Jane’s mother sitting on a bench gazing out across the lake while clutching the toy rabbit closely to her chest:

VO: This is the story of my daughter Mary-Jane. She was the light of my life, such a bright, loving child, with a wild imagination, wonderful sense of adventure and a truly infectious laugh

Visual: Mary-Jane running & laughing by the lake with the toy rabbit held in her hand

VO: The first time her and Jake met, they just clicked, like they had always known each other. They both had such a deep love for this lake

Visual: Jake & Mary-Jane running hand in hand towards the lake, then crouching down, heads together as they peer into the water

VO: They would make up such wonderful stories about the creatures that lived beneath its surface and draw such brilliantly coloured pictures of the most amazing creatures you could ever imagine. They created a whole under water world filled with magical creatures in every shape and size

Visual: Jake & Mary-Jane drawing creatures from the collaboration and glimpses of the under water world they had created

VO: They would spend hours imagining how wonderful it would be to swim in this under water world they had created, with the creatures that they drew

Visual: Jake and Mary-Jane acting out swimming with the creatures they had drawn

VO: As they grew older, we allowed them to walk along the jetty so they could gaze into the deeper parts of the lake, they would lie face down, side by side, heads hanging over the edge peering into the water

Visual: Jake & Mary-Jane lying on the Jetty

VO: Then (voice catches), one day, how it happened, we’ll never know, but as we watched them out on the jetty, suddenly part of it collapsed, Mary-Jane struggled to hold onto Jake, but she was not strong enough for a moment it looked like she would fall as well

Visuals: The jetty collapsing and Mary-Jane desperately holding onto Jake’s hand

VO: Jake said something to Mary-Jane (voice catches again) we only found out later what it was, but she let go of his hand and cried out for help

Visuals: To match VO

VO: We ran down the jetty as fast as we could, a couple of the guys jumped in to try and rescue Jake, someone called emergency services and Jake’s mother was calling out to him deperately

Visuals: Mary-Jane’s mother holding her as the men jump in after Jake and Jake’s mother calling out to him

VO: They searched for ages, hours, but they never could find poor little Jake. (pause)

Visuals: day fades to night and finally the search party is called off until the next day

VO: Mary-Jane screamed, she didn’t want to leave (sob) the news people missed something in their report (pause) they missed the part about Jake’s bravery, he must have known, such a brave little boy.

Visuals: Mary-Jane stretching out towards the dark lake crying

VO: Mary-Jane cried out, “Jake is still out there, he wants to come home, he told me to let go so he could come home. You HAVE to bring him home!” (whispers) such a brave boy, he wanted to save her.

Visuals: Fade back to Mary-Jane’s mother sitting on the bench weeping as she holds the toy rabbit close.



VO: Mary-Jane was inconsolable, the search party went out every day for the next two weeks, trawling the lake, but they couldn’t find poor Jake. Eventually the search was called off, and a memorial service was held

Visuals: The memorial service, showing Jake’s mother and Mary-Jane stood by the headstone

VO: Then one day Mary-Jane started scribbling furiously in her sketch pad and drawing sketches of what seemed to be a metal whale

Visuals: Mary-Jane with her sketch pad

VO: Once she had finished her sketches she started to build this metal whale in the shed, we would hear her banging away as she hammered all the bits of scrap metal she could find together

Visuals: Mary-Jane building the whale

VO: (voice catches) She said she was building it for Jake, so we thought (pause) we thought, she meant to place it by his tombstone, so we didn’t stop her

Visuals: Her parents watching through shed door as Mary-Jane puts the finishing touches to the whale

VO: Finally she finished and we got her to go to bed, saying she could take it to Jake the next day

Visuals: Fade out to silhouette of mother sitting on bench as sun sets over the lake

VO: If only we’d know what she really meant, maybe……

Visuals: Fade out to long shot of lake as night falls

VO: I dream about her you know, such vivid dreams I see her …..

All the following as visuals with the mother’s voice as narration (Using Swimming: Lost Children by bklue18

Mary-Jane and her whale plunge into the lake, where she begins her search for Jake.

At first, the water is dark and murky but that doesn't deter her from continuing her search for her him.

As she makes her way through the dark waters, a small source of light distracts her. She sees a small glowing fish and soon more start to join, acting as torchlights for the girl and her mechanical whale.

She follows the glowing fishes and as they moved, the water gets lighter, almost clear. As the water gets lighter and clearer, she feels her mechanical whale start to break apart slowly.

At first she seems worried and she tries her hardest to find some way to stop her whale from falling apart.

As she does this, from the corner of her eye, she sees a figure swim pass the window of her mechanical whale. Thinking it was her imagination, she ignores it. But, another 3 figures swims pass. Eventually, she stops and looks out her window.

The figures were children. Some were around her age, others slightly younger. A boy swims by her window and she recognises him instantly.

It's Jake. He smiles and waves at her. She smiles and waves back, unable to believe she found him. He signalled for her to follow him.

Mary-Jane is just about to exit her mechanical whale when she realises that it already broke apart and now, she was in the water. The boy smiles and reaches for her hand. Together, they swim behind the glowing fishes, fading as the light in the water brightens the lake.

Fade out to: Mother gently putting the toy rabbit in the water

VO: That’s how I like to think of her and Jake now, swimming together in the lake with the creatures of their imaginary world

Visual: On the bench next to her, a newspaper blows in the wind, headline reading, 'Thirteenth child to go missing in lake', along with the picture of Mary-Jane.




Created: Apr 17, 2014

Tags: children, love, swimming, loss, fantasy, fiction, lake, remix, creatures, theme, mother, story

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