Stand-up draft

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At some point in our lives, we've all heard the phrase: "You can be anything you wanna be." I was told this when I was a kid. You see, my parents never went to college and they were obsessed with me going, so throughout my life they kept saying: "You can be anything you want." Naturally, I'd respond with a shitload of hope in my eyes: "anything?" "Yes, anything." I was amazed, because there are only so many options in life. So, when I finally made up my mind, I waited for them to say: "You can be anything you want to be" and then, I dropped the bomb: "Mom, Dad: I decided what I want to be." At this point their eyes are shimmering, right? "I decided I want to be a tree." Too bad Google Glass wasn't a thing: I would watch their reaction everyday when I woke up. "No, honey, look... you can work as anything you like. Anything at all." That was exactly like the time when I found out Jesus was an actual historical character. I KNOW! I couldn't believe it either: who would ever choose to be the messenger of God, when you can be anything you want to be, right?

Recently, I've discovered what my problem with women is: I hate them. And don't get me wrong, I'm not a missoginist, but I hate that I can't see when they have a boner. Or the female equivalent. It's just so unfair, because men like me can't hide a boner. I see a cleavage, or tight pants and I feel the blood of my penis shrinking my pants; but when women see my fat stomach, they never drip their crotch! So unfair. 

It seems that my life has always been let-down after let-down; but I know that in life there's only one person to blame: Hitler. But nowadays, Obama's taking that title, isn't he?

Created: Apr 10, 2014

Tags: comedy, life, draft, stand-up

Ricardo del Barco Document Media