The Washroom Engineer

Document
Cover Image

Title: The Attendant


Concept: What if a bar/club had a bathroom attendant posted in a tiny single bathroom?


Setting: guy and girl out for a drink.


Scene 1: at a table in a semi-crowded/crowded bar


GUY: (standing up) Going to the little boys room


GIRL: What?


GUY: POOPER (holds up 2 fingers in a peace sign, with a smirk)


Girl makes disgusted face


Guy walks around the corner, opens the bathroom door, camera tracks to the left, so the door blocks view into restroom, door closes completely..


Scene 2


Straight on shot of Guy with confused face standing immediately inside the closed bathroom door.


GUY: Oh excuse me, am I in the right....


Cut to a straight on shot of a bathroom attendant’s face.


ATTENDANT: (Cheerfully, in a fake british accent) Yes sir, no doubt about it sir. (pause) (face turns serious)  Unless, were you perhaps looking for the hidden tunnel/book club/AA Meeting?


Cut to corner view of a tiny bathroom (looks like a typical american home's half bath) just a sink, toilet, and the bathroom attendant looking him in the face... from 12 inches away.


GUY: Bathroom... (finishing his original question as a statement, as he looks around incredulously)


ATTENDANT: Welcome, feel free to have a seat. Attendant gestures widely/eloquently/awkwardly towards the toilet.


GUY: ok... are you staying.... in here?


ATTENDANT: Its my job. (with a smile)


**** include?**** (points to close up of a nametag, that says <<<”everything but the wipe”?>>>, crossed out and “whatever you need” written above)


ATTENDANT: I know what you’re thinking... The union is still fighting it, but apparently it’s a whole thing. So for now its whatever you need.... except wiping. (serious look.)


****


GUY: could you turn around? (sitting)


Attendant turns around and then smiles and nods knowingly at guy through the huge mirror.


ATTENDANT: Reading material, Sir?


GUY: no thanks


ATTENDANT: Care for a bathroom story?


GUY: (firmly) No thanks


ATTENDANT: Tickets to Jersey Boys?


GUY: (surprised and curious.) you get tickets to broadway shows?


ATTENDANT: not usually, sir, but a rather old gentleman traded them to me a few days ago.


GUY: for wha....


at the same time:


Attendant: a wipe.


Guy: nevermind. Guy gives disgusted look.


awkward silence, and some staring.


ATTENDANT: think you could speed it up a bit sir?


GUY: excuse me?


ATTENDANT: If you're going to drop off the kids at the pool, could you pick up the pace? (pause.)


guy looks shocked.


ATTENDANT: Will running the faucet help at all? (another pause)


ATTENDANT: Its just that we washroom engineers work off tips, and everyone knows its rude to tie up a toilet all evening.


GUY: OK, Ok man! geez, im done… (clearly has heard enough, pulls up the pants)


Guy, stands to head for the door, attendant shifts in front of the door but clearly allowing passage to the sink


ATTENDANT: Not going to leave without having a wash, are you, sir?


GUY: I Didnt even go!!!!


ATTENDANT: Ah... but you touched the facilities sir, and Im afraid you could have germies on your hands.


attendant holds out a bar soap, on a rope.


GUY: muttering. ok ok ok, move. clearly just wanting to leave, manages to get by attendent and to the sink.


Guy looks down to see weird bathroom attendent stuff... post cards with different toilets and toilet humor, cologne, a bobble head, I heart my washroom engineer t-shirts/pins, electronic cigarettes.  Guy quickly washes his hands, while rebuffing the attendants attempts to help him lather. Looking satisfied the attendant turns off the water, gives him a towel, then brushes off the back of Guy’s jacket with a giant brush or dustbuster... then immediately holds out what appears to be a golden and diamond studded chalice, then coughs, without moving from the door. Guy, aggravated, digs into his pockets, pulls out a single dollar and puts in into the attendants cup.


ATTENDANT: Thank you, sir. Just a moment, sir. Attendant pulls a magic marker from his breast pocket and marks the dollar to make sure its real. He folds it up quickly and tucks it away.


ATTENDANT: My pleasure, sir. Come again.


GUY: Right....


Scene 3: bathroom door opens.


Guy walks back towards table briskly, as he is turning the corner...


GUY: (to Girl) Honey, we need to leave, right...


Guy realizes girl is gone. note on the table says “went to the bathroom brb”


GUY: Now.


FADE/CUT, THE END.

Created: Mar 29, 2014

Tags: comedy, script, request, sketch

NVP Document Media