HAW’s letter to an American cousin

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Dear cousin Thomas,

I do hope this letter will reach you across the pond for I could not allow these news to be conveyed by any other than myself.

It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you I am writing you from my death bed. I can not tell you if this letter will reach you in time. Even if you were to jump into the ocean and swim all day and all night, you might not be able to arrive in time to attend the service. Not that you would last out at sea very long but I have decided to do you the courtesy of pretending you could. You are most welcome.

But I have saved the biggest piece of news for last. I have decided to remove you and yours from my testament. I understand it might come a bit late, for you have asked me quite a few years back to do it while we were having an altercation, but alas it is done. I did not wish to part from this world knowing I hadn’t respected my dearest cousin’s wishes.

You have always been a man of principals and I want to respect them. Even if it is the last thing I do. And no one should be denied of their right to die poor among the squalor.

With all my admiration,

Your cousin Henry

P.S. – I do hope this address is still yours. If not, I ask the current owners of the house to please send this letter to you. Wherever you might be living…

Created: Mar 22, 2014

Tags: haw, letter, testament, cousin, satire, american

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