Before...

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Before I wanted to be a teacher, I thought I wanted to be a writer. Sometimes I wonder if I want to be a teacher or just want to be a nerd in my professional life. Being a teacher is what you do when you can't do anything else, right? I wanted to be a film critic, but before that, I wanted to be a game show host. Who wants to be a game show host? I guess I did. I still do, sometimes. I can see myself building the tension, helping people win money. I think it's because that person...the host...is the center of attention. I think being a teacher is being the center of attention to, but you get to play it off as being altruistic and helping kids, which, if you're doing it well, you are. 


But, now, I want to be a teacher. I still would like to write, which is why I do this, or have started, hoping I can keep that creative part of my brain that just flows with words that sometimes students don't always understand. Before I was philw I had a last name that I would have worn proudly here. But, before I wasn't a teacher. Before I wasn't a role model. A curse word just came over the music on my computer while I'm here at work and I can't help but wonder if that's what a role model's music should be. Shouldn't I be playing something other than Ben Folds, that filthy animal?


Before Ben Folds, it was...movie soundtracks. I've always been obsessed with film scores and soundtracks. I remember leaving a movie...The Indian in the Cupboard...with my Aunt Julie. This is before she had cancer and became a memory of herself. We were at the mall. This was before they took out the theater in the mall and replaced with...well I can't remember. Applebee's? That seems fitting, right? One old piece of Americana for a newer fake piece of Americana? 


Anyway, we were at the mall because why the hell not. I told my Aunt Julie that I wanted the soundtrack to that movie, Indian in the Cupboard. She told me it didn't really have any music. And, she was right. Absolutely right. But, I wanted something to take away from it. It was a good movie, magic when I was a kid. I wanted part of it to take with me, to think about over and over. This was before DVDs and I never really collected VHS tapes. Plus, it wasn't even the same. This was music. It got into your ears which was much closer to your brain than your eyes. This was also before I knew anatomy, apparently, because this doesn't really make much sense.


I remember that before Julie died, she was in bad shape and I thought I would keep her memory forever. Sometimes I feel like I do and sometimes I feel like I don't. I remember that my parents got mad once because she took me to the doctor's office with her when my parents weren't home. They weren't mad she took me. Just mad that, if something happened, I wouldn't really be able to help because I was a kid. This was after the last story about the movie. 

Created: Mar 20, 2014

Tags: cancer, soundtracks, jobs, movies, parents, teaching

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