I am writing this letter on my deathbed because I feel a need to make things right between us before I depart this world and move on to my heavenly reward. You may recall that I compared your lovemaking to the experience of being mauled by an inebriated buffalo. I would like to apologize for my forthrightness, as I should not have been so honest with you regarding such a delicate matter. You no longer contacted me after the incident, which I can only assume was an act of consideration on your part as you did not want to subject me to your incompetent lovemaking and porcine countenance (I believe I may have commented on the latter as well). However, I would like to make amends by passing along the name of an accomplished prostitute, Molly Saunders, whose services I had enjoyed earlier that evening. She could instruct you in the sensual arts so that your erotic efforts will no longer resemble those of Syncerus caffer. I can't recall Molly's address, but I believe your current husband has made her acquaintance and therefore could pass this information along to you.
Henry Adam Wood
P.S. I must also apologize for relieving myself on your cat, which in my state of advanced intoxication I mistook for a chamber pot.
Created: Mar 14, 2014ThatGirlfromMars Document Media