The 39th Letter of Henry Adam Wood

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Dear Mr. George Barrington,


It is with great regret that I must communicate by letter, but as I am bed ridden in the confines of this indecorous room I'm afraid it must suffice. As I'm sure you've been informed, I am desperately ill and have little time remaining in this tiresome, albeit fruitful life. I have been diagnosed with acute pharyngitis, or as some unsavory characters would call it, 'sore throat'. Yet, I can assure you the severity of my ailment is of such a grave nature that imminent demise is beyond refute.


In light of this grim outlook, my physician has advised me to make ammends with all persons I may have caused offense over the years, in the belief that it will somehow give me comfort. Honestly George, at this point the only comfort I seek is my expedient departure from this repugnant world, along with every slobbering fool in it.


Nevertheless, you are a good-hearted man. Overly sybaritical at times, a bit pompous, you often emit an overpowering odor that is comparable to spoiled horseradish, but as a whole you are a good-hearted man. So, I ask forgiveness for my unwarranted behavior on the date of September 23, 1906. If you recall, your beloved wife Martha was to prepare brunch and I kindly requested a piece of Camembert cheese to accompany my sandwich. Upon arrival of said sandwich the cheese was inexplicably absent. I alerted her of the mistake but she was quite disagreeable. We bickered for some time, and I do with earnesty regret my referring to her as a 'swinish whore'. Though, if bore witness to her time at university I think most would concur she was as such. However, I will concede it is a rather uncommon cheese to have on hand and dearly apologize for any distress I may have caused.


Begrudging as this is to say, I am starting to feel rather invigorated by hedging out these old misunderstandings. Perhaps you should try it, George. I'm sure you have many burdensome admissions in need of my reconcilitation and I would be more than willing to abide.


I do hope to hear from you soon.


Your friend,


Henry Adam Wood


p.s. Savagely indecent as she was, I found Martha to be rather inadequate in matters sexual. For this and your sake, I am also deeply sorry.

Created: Mar 12, 2014

Tags: satire, request, script, theme, story

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