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I describe myself as crazy. Give me just a moment of your time, and I'll explain why.

I have both anxiety and depression. Having anxiety and depression at the same time is complicated to explain, and I don't want to put words in the mouths of other people who have it, but here goes with my experience.

Imagine you're filled with nervous, frenetic energy. Imagine that you're in terror of offending somebody, of doing something wrong, basically of fucking up. Imagine getting hit by a panic attack because you drop a bottle, or have to clean something that makes you want to throw up. Over the most trivial things.

Now imagine being hit with total apathy. You don't care about anything. And at the same time, you're anxious. You're in this great big mix of being anxious and terrified, and unable to want to do anything about it. You have panic attacks, moments of feeling through the numbness, and then an automatic return to the numbness after the attack has packed.

Sucks, right? Still doesn't explain why I go by crazy.

See, for the most part I live an easy life, certainly compared to many. I have friends and family who love me, a gorgeous web of a support system. I have enough money to feed myself and put clothes on my back and then some. I am grateful beyond words for this.

When it comes to the anxiety and depression, however, it's a hard-knock life. It's been a hard-knock life ever since four years ago when I suddenly had a panic attack and they didn't stop. And there are two options- push on through or let it break me. And I refuse to allow the second option to become a reality.
So I use a sense of humor.

I add shirts with jokes about medication to my Favorites. I crack jokes about having a pill holder to remind me when to take which pills. I call myself crazy.

It's still no fun. Even now, I'm stressing about whether or not I'm going to offend anyone with this. I know I've got it easier than many and most. I know that not everyone believes in the name "crazy" either. I know it bothers people. And that's cool. I'm not here to tell you what to label yourself as, I'm here to tell you what I label myself as. And I'm anxious right now, that people will give me shit for calling myself crazy, that people will call me a drama queen, that people won't like me, that I'm putting too much of myself out there, to the point where I know it'll be hard hard to push that nice big red button.

But I think I'll do it.

That's what crazy people do, after all.

Created: Mar 07, 2014

Tags: or a short one at least, essay

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