Resume

By NaturallyInspired

My birth caused the dissolution of the Soviet Union. I can crack eggs without getting shell in the yolk. I can run one mile per hour short of the speed of light for approximately seven seconds. I expect the Spanish Inquisition. I relax so hard that it aches afterwards. I can drive with two feet. I can ride my bike with no handlebars. I am fluent in sarcasm. I found weapons of mass destruction. I can use “lasciviousness” in a conversation. I can parallel park, sort of. I used to be able to beat your high score in Tony Hawk 3. I can read in sign language. I know what you mean. Billie Jean is not my girl. I stole the cookie from the cookie jar. After the Black Eyed Peas released “Where Is The Love?” I found it for them. My midiclorian count is off the charts. I have been arrested for breaking the laws of physics. I told you so. I don’t want to know how the Joker got those scars. I know why the rum is always gone. I killed Rasputin. I gotta feeling. I shot the sheriff, but I didn’t shoot the deputy. I don’t practice Santeria, and I ain’t got no crystal ball. I don’t feel like P. Diddy when I wake up in the morning, nor do I know how Kei$ha knows knows what P. Diddy feels like when he wakes up. I can make the world impressionistic just by taking my glasses off. Iago didn’t fool me. I have sleight of hand and stopping power pro, so watch your back. I won a staring match against David Blaine. I won a fight against Rocky. I’ve never broken a bone. I don’t have bones, I have titanium I-beams. My other ride isn’t actually the Batmobile, but it’s pretty close. I made you look. I pimped out Xzibit’s ride. Colleges applied to me. I have a license to wound. I can focus for over six seconds. I invented the time machine before I was born. I know what Willis is talking about. I called it. I hate A-Rod. I hang out with Jesus.

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Created: Aug 12, 2010

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