By grcwriter

Path of thoughts between/inspired by other RECorders

We throw things out there, and hope that the sight or sound or thought of ours will echo in the hearts and minds of others. Here is one such echo and the path it took....

Joe wrote:

Recognizing a problem is productive.
Resenting that problem is not.

Des wrote:

We have a lot of love in this forum and a real sense of community. Not in the manner where we even really need to become "friends" in order to support one another as such. We're just as friendly and supportive to newcomers, strangers and the like as we are to those we've "known" for quite some time.

Because of this, so much wonderful, even personal, support has manifested in this community. We have threads concerning depression in which we help one another overcome, we offer our support and well-wishes when someone shares something negative in their lives on the "daily RECords thread", we have a manifestation collaboration, heck even our comments on our RECords our a form of support not to mention we're quick to offer a contrary remark if someone is self-loathing of their own RECords or contributions to this site.

It's fantastic and I would like to try and expand this synergy of positivity with a, dare I say, therapeutic type of collaboration.

We have so much positive-leaning threads, specifically for the very purpose of self-improvement. The "one good thing" thread is an excellent example of that.

I'd like to take it a step further. I hope it's intent is well understood.

I'd like to start a collaboration where we list things "wrong" with ourselves for the very purpose of improving that "wrong" or in many cases to come to realize that perhaps it's just an illusion all together.

By no means would I want to start a collaboration that introduces negativity in any way and I certainly understand that focusing on the "positive" to begin with is sometimes the best solution to perpetuate positivity in general. However, I look at this as getting to the root of some of our recurring issues and overcoming them all together!

It may seem negative at first, but I think of it as opening the shutters and letting light into a dark room. A room that's beautiful and should be seen brightly. To many people simply focusing on the positive is like leaving a dark room to go outside only to eventually return to that dark room again. Let's let some light in to that room!

We're all wonderful human beings and hitRECord, I've noticed, has been a haven of happiness and inspiration to many. Let's bring that happiness to our lives outside of hitRECord through hitRECord. Let's not make our RECord making and community correspondence a happy distraction. Let's make it change our lives for the better :)

I wrote:
Unwanted, unloved, unworthy.

Those are the feelings I grew up with. The result of an affair with a married man my mother told me to my face when I was a pre-teen that she should have aborted me.

When my half brother was born these feelings were underscored by the vast differences in how we were treated. The ratio of time and care given to him and me was noticeable by family, school, even strangers. To this day when I go out with friends I ask how much can I spend when they are treating.

A burden, an afterthought, a tool.

My mother went on anti-depressants and I was sent to therapy for her sake. Despite how much it helped me, they took me out again because my housework hadn't improved.

I'm plain.

I, since forever, dressed to blend in. To be invisible. I've never used make up, really, wear no jewelery. I attract no one. I am the moth. And I am afraid to. I guard my self-esteem that I fought so hard for, and to let anyone in beyond a friendship is too dangerous. Besides, anyone who would want me is flawed, I figure.

I can't seem to make connections.

I know point A, and I know point D, but the points between elude me. For example, I write, and I know there's publishers. Submission seems easy, but... I have friends in varied mediums, but, can't seem to expand them into other areas. Like get together with work friends outside of work.

I have disabilities.

Depression runs in my family, learning disabled, hormonally unbalanced as well as other health problems I can't afford to fix. I've developed coping skills for most. In fact, I automatically taught them to my daughter so when she was tested they said she had to many coping skills to pinpoint her LD!

I am an inconstant friend.

And I don't know why, when people are so invaluable to me. I think it boils down to damage control. There's only so far I can put myself out there and feel comfortable. When I was in fourth grade (one of many stories of this type in my life) I had a friend. And I realized I was taking her away from her other friends by being with her all the time, so on the bus ride to school I decided to tell her that I was taking up all her time. She thought the same thing, and told me we weren't friends anymore and never speak to her again before I could even say hello.

If I believed in luck, I'd say mine was bad.

Every plan I make, while sound, fails. Every boon is followed by a crisis. Every step forward turns out to be two steps back. I've lived in my car, in a tent, been evicted after my purse was stolen and had to live with my parents. I've been hired by one person on Friday and fired by another person on Monday. I've been to college on a grant, and then lost it when the person upstairs from me was murdered and I couldn't sleep or concentrate. I've fallen in love with people who used me and didn't love me back.

But... But...

There is a point below I will not go. As Shakespeare said "Screw your courage to the sticking place..." Once, and only once, did I ever feel so low I might punch my own ticket, but a friend came over and needed me. And so I was there for them, and by doing so, they were there for me.

There are a few people who love me, despite my faults. And I've learned to like myself, and maybe even love myself a little. But not enough to let anyone else in. I've been celibate for twenty years now. I have a lot to give, but... but... Am afraid to receive.

So here I am.

Among the responses I got there was a PM from RichieMillennium who wrote:

Hey grcwriter - your "What's Wrong With Me?" post hit me pretty hard. I've had pitiful amounts of self esteem... well, forever I guess. I have plenty of reasons, but they're mostly internal, so I won't even pretend that I can relate to your relationship with your parents, especially since my parents were amazing. But I do feel a kinship with people who have low self esteem. That, of course, goes beyond the already-established kinship of being in the same family band with you (lest ye forget!). So I figured I should let you know that after I read your RECord last night, I wrote something that I've always kinda had in my head, but had never put into words beyond the phrase "Do you know what you're worth?" And since it's your fault that I wrote it, and you deserve to know what you're worth, just as much as I do, just as much as anyone does.

And Richie wrote something really beautiful:

Do you know what you're worth?



Created: Oct 06, 2009

Tags: grcwriter, resonance, worth, thoughts, joe, self esteem, richie, des

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