The Truth about Libel

By ManWithHat

I would like to address something here and now. The lies have been spreading and it just has to stop. I’m going to be straight-forward on this, so excuse me if I offend, but we need to get this stuff out in the open and just stop gossiping once and for all.

Have any of you actually tried to bake matzo with the blood of Christian children?

It’s really not worth it. I mean, yes, the whole “abduction” process is pretty easy. I mean, let’s face it: Christian children are pretty naïve. Not at all like Jewish children: cold, pragmatic, suspicious of everyone and everything. But when you get down to it, Christian blood is just too thick for a good matzo recipe. When it comes to traditional Passover matzo, you really need something a bit thinner to get just the right level of flakiness and brittleness. Blood too thick is really antithetical to the whole process.

And I know what you’re thinking: So the blood of Christian children is out. Why not Muslim? A reasonable assumption, but it fixes one problem, and creates another. Muslim blood is just too bold and zesty. And everybody knows that the words “bold” and “zesty” have no place describing matzo.

I’ve found that the best option is the blood of atheist children. It’s not too bold, not too thick, it’s just right. And you can get any race or gender you like because, let’s face it, genetics has never had anything to do with the quality of blood seasoning. It’s all about ideology and spiritual philosophy. That is what defines good cooking blood.

While we’re on the subject of lies and slander, I’d like to address another subject in a similar vein, if you’ll pardon the expression. Some folks have been saying that Israeli soldiers have been kidnapping young, Palestinian men and stealing their organs. This just doesn’t make a lick sense. Look: we’ve been poisoning their wells for decades; why would we want their organs?

If people would just read up on their stuff like the Elders of Zion, we wouldn’t have this wave of malicious gossip plaguing honest political discussion. Education is key, folks. I am just disappointed that it’s gotten this far.

The Truth about Libel

Created: Aug 25, 2009

Tags: a modest proposal, blood libel, dark humor, politics, anti-semitism

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