... but I'll tell them to you now since I momentarily have the strength to do so...
... and since I know I'll just try to hold my heart and try to keep it together just a little longer in a few minutes... I'll write this now.
As many of you know I've been tossing myself around living in other people's homes for a good while. The last was with a alcoholic woman who didn't have respect for anything even though she tried good (she's got ADD) but in the end I was so stressed and felt so bad I was nearly going down a spiral and doing it fast. As soon as I got home to my room, I got so tired that I could sleep for three hours but still wake up as if I hadn't slept for a week. I ended up hiding myself in my room as much as possible since I didn't have the strength to get outside to "flee" from the situation I was in. The apartment was a complete mess to say the leas (and I'm sure it still is). Sara is the kind of person that if she looks for something in a box, she throws everything out, finds what she wants and leaves it at that. Sometimes you couldn't even find the floor! I even lost my own will of cleaning in my room because as soon as you came out, it was worse than a tornado and a volcano at the same time... not sure an atomic bomb would do justice to it either and I'm not even exaggerating...
To this, is the fact that my cats were so stressed living there as well and I had to make myself go back to my home city for a week at least per month and I had to leave them behind since three cats isn't something I can carry with me on my own on a train along with my own packing.
I had been talking to the other roommate, let's just call him Z. And he told me he'd watch the cats for me each time as well as we were talking about moving in together since none of us liked the idea to live with Sara, the woman that owns the apartment (the drunk) since things were going haywire basically.
Z decided that he wanted to "evaluate me" for a week if I was good enough to move in with *eye roll* So I decided that if he had to do that, I didn't want to become a roommate with him again because it wouldn't be in good terms even though we said we'd split everything 50-50.
I went out on the web and looked for advertising people that wanted a roommate and I found one that wanted to take me in to my delight. She's so sweet and loving and she's calm and everything is so clean and nice!
That is a bright side in this as well as the fact that I've found the love of my life, we got together at 4th of July. I'll get back to that though.
Last time I was in my home city I once again asked my Roommate Z if he could watch the cats one last time before I'd move the 10th of July. He said he would but he'd do it (as usual) his own way. I kept telling him that he couldn't have the balcony door open and not be there with the cats since they're indoor cats and one of them, Theo had a very bad balance. He told me they liked to be outside *eye roll* and of course did what he wanted with them and didn't follow my restrictions at all...
This resulted in a message on Skype that told me that Theo had fallen down from the balcony and was limping "a little" according to him. I asked him if I'd come home and go to the vet but he told me that Theo was fine now.
One and a half week later when I'd gotten home and moved to the new place, I came to see my beloved cat and he had more than a bad limp so I checked his paw and I felt a hard lump in there, I knew right away that something was wrong just by that but also he didn't quite want to walk on the paw off and on. I called the vet and went in with him on Monday the 12th and checked it up. apparently his "ring finger-toe" was broken (!!!)... the cat's fine my ass...
I also told the vet that Theo had some problem peeing and that he was peeing a bit of blood but without really checking him, she told me that it was stress. So with that as an answer, I went home even though Theo seemed a bit down.
The night between Tuesday and Wednesday things got worse and Theo started to complain every time he was to go to the litter box to pee. He was really "I don't want to it hurts, it hurts!!" and he ended up actually laying IN the box constantly while meowing painfully so, I called the vet and spoke with them. They told me to come in the morning after so I did.
At that time Theo was in such a bad shape that he was like a sack of potatoes when I moved him around, he didn't really want to move and he didn't really want to do anything but lay really still. It wasn't even hard to drop him into the cat box to go to the vet and by now I could see in his eyes that he was in severe pain.
When I got there they took me in instantly and they did some check up on him and decided to take him in over night since it was clear that he was in bad shape and needed more than just fluids since he was dehydrated as well since he didn't want to eat or drink. The little I managed to get into him was water and some lactose free milk via a syringe (without the needle of course).
I left my "baby" there (he's always been my baby since he never really grew out of being a kitten and is really a mamma's boy).
On the night on Wednesday they called me to give a report about him and they told me that he was in bad shape but that they'd do the best they could. Miracles happen even though they're rare. But I had a feeling even before I came in with him that day that I wouldn't be taking him back home again... ever.
On Thursday the 16th, it was the funeral for Dad's wife which passed away the 17th of June but due to the autopsy and stuff the funeral was delayed.
Dad's been devastated and I've been there for the entire time and I even held him close during the ceremony, he completely broke down even when he went up to the casket, he fell down on his knees and just cried for a moment before he managed to leave the rose.
When we were eating and drinking coffee afterwards, I saw I had missed a call and went outside to call them, it was the vets. By this time I had been unresponsive since 11am to about 3pm. I got to talk to the vet who took care of Theo and she told me he was in really really bad shape and I told her that I'd be in there as soon as I could and I told dad. Luckily the funeral was over and we were already heading to the car so dad just went home and switched clothes, we went to pick up my boyfriend (Gabriel) and went straight to the vets.
I managed to hold it together until I told who I was to meet and see, I broke down in the waiting room in front of a lot of other pet owners (typical me..) since I knew I had to give him the final shot. His injuries were too great to save him.
I was placed in a room in the back and I had Gabriel with me all the time thank god. A nurse came in and told me that the vet would be there soon since she was doing the rounds and asked if I wanted her to bring Theo, of course I said yes.
When he came in, he was laying on a warm blanket with a small towel around his lower parts since he was peeing blood and he kept wetting himself since he couldn't keep it in.
I started to cry instantly when I saw what bad shape he was in and held him close and kissed his head like I always did. I got a reply with a painful look but with love that said "Mommy!" and he started to purr instantly and tried to meow but he was too weak to do it and the purring stopped soon after since he was too weak to do that too.
I kept whispering soft words to him and held him close, even when the vet came in and told me the results. What she thought happened was that he fell off the balcony and he injured his bladder as well as his liver. Due to the bladder injury he had fluids in his abdomen and they gave a pressure on his chest so he got a hard time breathing as well. If pee had leaked out into his abdomen, that's acidic so his intestines would probably be in a bad shape as well That's also why he was peeing blood since the bladder had some kind of tear.
I asked her to give me a paper and an ink pad since I wanted paw prints from him while he was still alive since I want to make it a tattoo. She granted my wish and then she gave him the shot of an over dose of sleeping medication. It didn't take more than ten seconds before his heart stopped beating and it was the worst day of my life.
My baby was dead because the cat watch didn't do his job and didn't listen to me when I told him what not to do. Theo would still be alive if I hadn't left for that last week, he would still be alive if I'd asked someone else than Z to watch the three of them, he would still be alive if I had closed the balcony and argued with Z even more about it... but now, the result is still the same. My Theo is dead. He died the 1th of July at 4.45pm.
I asked for an autopsy since I want to know what exactly went wrong and what he died of. I'll get him cremated (sp?) too since that's something they always do with animals that get an autopsy even though I'd want him whole but I still feel I want to know what happened on paper.
In other words, I had two "funerals" in one day. First my dad's wife, then the funeral of my heart with Theo. I haven't cried this much since my best friend died when I was 13...
I instantly asked my boyfriend if I could come home with him (to my birth city) and take my other two cats with me since I just couldn't bare to be alone in Stockholm since that would result in me bawling my eyes out and sinking further down in my depression that I'm taking medication for already. He agreed and now I'm here with him in his apartment. (god bless him).
On a good side. September 1st, I move into a three room apartment with my best friend, we're moving to Stockholm both of us and since we complain that it's been "oh two weeks" since we last saw each other we just decided that we can be roommates since she doesn't have a home at the moment either.
So, a few good things are that I have found a place to live with a person I can trust, dad and I have a stronger bond than we've ever had. I've found the man of my life, we're already talking engagement and it's only been two weeks! even though it's not serious-serious talk but still.. we're still talking, even talking about kids in the future and what kind of house we want etc etc. Not to mention he says he's movable, which means he can move to Stockholm with me!
... but this doesn't change the fact that my three babies went down to two and my heart broke and it hurt like hell and it will be doing so for quite some time too.
My muse is basically down to zero except for a few perks here and there but that's basically it... I need some good time to recover but at the same time I don't want to think too much so I try to occupy myself with things so I won't bawl my eyes out all the time.
There are so many "if only" swirling in my head... My baby boy is gone, nothing can replace him...
I'm so pissed at the cat watch that claims he's innocent... The fucker. I hate him.. I HATE HIM. He killed my baby!
The vetrinarian cost me 1300 dollars give or take (13.000SEK) and he refuses to pay me even half since "he didn't do it, the guys that lent my bed did" ... Z was still the one in charge of them.. that leaves him responsible... he told me that I should have "gotten some professional help and paid them" to prevent this from happening... the FUCK....
HE. KILLED. MY. BABY....
if you want to talk... I'm on IMs off and on... leave a message and I'll get back to you when I'm strong enough to do so or when I'm at the computer which I'm not too often at the moment.
Created: Jul 22, 2009Image Media