Ever had that feeling where you're hot and cold all in one? Almost like a cold sweat. You're dripping sweat but freezing at the same time. I mean, other than being sick, it doesn't feel bad just... weird. It's like going jogging during the winter. You find yourself sweating but you can't feel your finger tips and the shrinkage down under makes your stomach twist and turn upside down. That's the same feeling you get when you pay for a gallon of milk at a corner store with the same money that you just robbed from an antique shoppe. You don't feel wrong or right about it you just feel... weird. Stealing a gallon of milk just doesn't feel right. It takes away that civilized, socially acceptable idea of stopping for milk on the way home from work. Except my work involves hiding from the cops momentarily. So I thought I'd buy some milk. I mean, would you expect a robber to stop for milk at CVS after just holding up some joint? I know what you're thinking: No. But you know what I'm thinking? Two birds, one stone. I needed money. I robbed an antique shoppe. I needed milk. I paid for it at your local CVS establishment. Is that sick? Robbing one place and using the money to fund another? Hmm.
My legs go numb with nervousness as I storm out of the antique shoppe, stuffing my pants full of money. I didn't plan on being nervous. Only because I didn't plan on this broken down shoppe making as much money as it did. The police sirens swirl in my ear as they approach. I find my busted dark green Toyota Camry and step on the gas even before the car was on. It was when I wasn't going anywhere when I noticed it wasn't on. Before I gave it another go, a bird shit on my window. A bird. On my window. WTF. I stared at for a while and wondered why it was white and then if it makes the bird lighter when it flies. He flies. She flies. Whatever.
I began to catch my breathe of thought when I notice the CVS across the street. "Milk", I thought. "I need milk". Why did I think this? You probably have a better reason than I do. I lift up the backseat cushion where I stashed the money and pulled out a $10. Just after inhaling a wave of dust, I moved the cushion back and headed towards CVS. I wasn't really worried about "they'll never find me here" as much as I was "man cake and milk go really well together". I approach the automatic doors that never seem to work. Funny how you have to pause just before they open up. Kind of like hitting your breaks even though you're absolutely positive that the red light is about to turn green.
I storm into the store. The employee mumbles something about aisle 5 as I walk in. I give her the nod. I do about two laps around the store before actually finding the milk. At this point the employees are following me because they think I'm stealing their priceless product. I find the first gallon of milk I can get my hands on. I swing open the fridge door and feel that cold sweat feeling all over again. I grab the gallon. It's sticky and it smells. I grab another gallon.
Now this is were my adventure gets tricky: the check out. This is where they only have two registers open and there's about ten people standing around in more of a crowd and less of a line. My sock drawer is more organized than this line. And these are adults.
I stand around counting cop cars passing outside as I get closer to the desk. My turn. Betty asks me if I had a CVS rewards card with me. I can't stop staring at her name tag. Don't ask me why I just wonder why cursive and not print. I tell her no. Betty asks me if I would like one because I get $10 store credit within the next 30 days if I sign up online. I tell her no and flex.
She hands me a crumpled receipt that's about a foot long and I jet out the door. (But not without pausing first.) I'm reading the receipt as I speed walk to my car. She gave me a coupon. Hmm. I look up to see what is supposed to be the comforting sight of a police officer standing outside of his vehicle staring straight at me and blocking my car.
"Your inspection sticker is out, Ted".
Created: Jul 26, 2010Document Media