Pocket Autopsy Case Files

By njenkins

In the world of Outerwear,

The personal storage system is separated into two groups:


The designers who create proper storage, and the clothing inspectors who investigate the designs.

These are their stories.


Case 48766

For all intents and purposes we are going to refer to outerware storage systems
as Pockets. As Autopsists my collegue and I dissect certain pockets that are no
longer functional and try to uncover the reason why the pocket fell apart.
Often we find that in discovering the reason for the pocket's demise, we also discover that
the pocket in question was not created to the proper standards.

Here is one of our more common cases.

As we rotate the pair of jeans onto its side here and get a better look, we find
a vast array of things that have been stored here.

Some cash
A packet of gum
A broken watch
contact lense container
A retainer
Loose change
Car Keys
Half of a candy bar
Some dental floss

So what it looks like we have here is a classic case of overusage.
None of these items are dangerous in and of themselves, but combined they
compromise the entire storage system. Keep in mind that all of these items
were found in just ONE pocket.


The pocket itself was designed to proper standards.
So this is something that we like to call storage abuse. Now
a little futher down theee seems to be an extremely dark discoloration,
lets see if we can dig a little deeper.

Oh no.

Sweet Mother of Denim.

An inkpen actually exploded at the base of this pocket. This not only destroys the
pocket but compromises any future usage of the pants in question.

These jeans are beyond saving.


Case 54321


Looking into another pair of jeans, we often find incidents
of missing contents in the back pockets. So lets turn over this pair
so we can see the back here...


Now do you see how the contents of this pocket are halfway sticking out?
Let's examine this a little bit.

We have some receipts, a grocery list, an IOU... And we didn't even have to open the pocket to
see any of this.

This is some thing that we like to call the Upchuck Pocket. It happens in extreme cases of sudden
weight loss or obesity.

You see, the back pocket is a gray area in the system of storage design. It works fairly
well when a person buys jeans that are suited to his body type and are a good fit.
But if the person in question undergoes any sudden weight loss, then the back pockets
become more loose and they never really stay closed.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, if the person went through a cookie binge
or became a couch potato or anything like that, the pressure of the expanding backside
actually forces out the contents of the back pocket.
And as we can see from the stretching of the material, there was an incident of explosive curvature.

The reason he came to us is because he seems to have lost a great deal of cash from this pocket.
Well, its long gone now. This guy's gonna need to do some squat thrusts if we wants to
salvage his other pairs of pants.


Case 93756


Holy Capris

It's cases like these that make it difficult for me to get up in the morning. These cases
make me despair for the future of my children. We've got a pair of pants here
that are in complete violation of pocket standards. You see, the average pair of pants has a
minimum of two pockets. Jeans typically have four, but the hidden fifth pocket -the pocket
within a pocket- is also occasionally allowed.

But these clowns over at the factory have created a monster. 7 pockets. 7 oppotunities to store
things and never find them again on account of too many options.

Look at this:

A swiss army knife
A wallet
a purse!
bottle cap collection
toilet paper
an adapter
a video game console
an extra pair of socks
two sets of keys
a library card
a shoelace

And the reason this person even came to us is because he hasn't seen his cell phone in weeks.
He doesn't remember which pocket he put it in.

This is why we have codes about these things. Once you exceed the maximum number of allowed
pockets you no longer have a storage situation, you have chaos. It's like a house of mirrors in here.

I'm detecting a most unusual smell, so I'm going in look into this final pocket and see what I find.

For the love of slacks!

In all my years of doing this, never have I seen a mold so thriving, so fully developed.
Yes, my friends, it's true.

Someone put their entire lunch in here. I'm going to assume that this
is a sandwich. There's a half eaten banana. The rest I just can't recognize.

Ladies and gentlemen, I assure you that the manufacturers of these pants will be closed down
within 48 hours. This case is closed.




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Pocket Autopsy Case Files

Created: Jul 24, 2010

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