it's funny how time distorts things, how history mutates itself with age, how at some point in my life my perception of him had irrevocably altered, and a part of me had changed and changed for good and with that came the misshapen memory of him.
at one point, he had been the tiny shoulders my world balanced on. he had been the healer of all grazed knees and the one who would always take the brunt of angsty tears and pointedly vicious words whipped out in moments of frustration (before my hands could jump up to my regretful mouth) and he had always taken it in his stride, always bashed out a positive, always paused long enough for the wriggling madness to settle down. we met at the train station. i was seventeen. it was awkward at first and i filled the empty spaces of conversation with a quick succession of observations and idle wonderings. we kissed in the basement of a café on a street i’d never been on before. i can remember that the café was playing familiar christmas songs in a foreign language i didn’t recognise. it was late november and already the seasonal displays were up in the big department store windows. i remember the shop next door sold crystals and antique jewellery and incense, and that i got in trouble for being late home and my dad was furious and he’s so seldom mad. he sat me down and spoke frankly and it made me feel grown up and childish all at once.
i don’t really remember the kiss though. there were no obvious mistakes, no tales to tell to drunken friends of that terrible teenage kiss. how can i not remember? he was everything to me, aged seventeen. everything. and now there is a blank where his eyes used to be in my mind. and i can no longer make out the sound of his voice in my memory. when i think of him there’s a gaussian blur where his face was ingrained on the backs of my eyelids, black holes in dreams he used to dominate & a question mark where our first kiss used to sit, holding weight. i thought we’d last forever, that love was strong. i thought i'd always love him. (i was wrong.)
Created: May 07, 2009Document Media