Number One never goes away, no matter how much we’re aching for it to. It never leaves us, simply because it was the most real, for the first time. How is one supposed to forget that very first time that his/her heart was trampled, like ten thousand horses running, with every single hoof stampeding right over that perfect spot- the soft underbelly of our strongest needs and desires? I’ll never shake that feeling. So perhaps it’s not One that we’re attached to, but instead the feeling we got from One. For me, I’d say it’s both. I simply wasn’t ready. My mind and my heart repeated, “Go! Go!” throughout the affair, but my body just wouldn’t comply. At the time I thought I could handle anything, my natural reactions proved me wrong. I was too young, too naïve- which is why it mattered so much. I had so much pent-up love to give, that it all simply flowed out in five seconds, and I was overcome. Suddenly every feeling was gone. Things that today would make every nerve in my body burn and shiver were simply physical movements then. Nothing more than skin on skin; no electricity, no fire, when that was all I wanted to feel. What counted most were the words, as is often the case. Words come out and they burn themselves into memory, more than any other action or event. A person can touch you anywhere on your body and the memory of that touch gets duller and duller as time progresses. You begin to forget the sensation of a hand on your hip or running through your hair. But when you hear words, words loaded with so much, they never ever fade. The sound of the voice may deteriorate, the context in which things were said may become jumbled or murky, but those words will always resonate throughout every ounce of your existence. To know that someone felt something, anything, enough to speak it out loud is a comfort that no physical bond can outrank. Intimacy is so much more than physicality, and that’s why One is One and will always be one.
Not only did One give me that first jolt, telling me how unprepared my body was for everything I was convinced it wanted- One showed me how easy it is to become completely enveloped in the thoughts and words of another. So easy. Easy enough that it altered my entire personality for more time than it was ever worth- maybe even permanently. The basic, bottom line is: I loved One. I still might. I’m a firm believer in the fact that if you truly loved someone, you never actually stop doing so. I don’t think I’ll ever stop. That’s the name of the game, and I’ve accepted it. I will always love One, but I think I have it in me to love another. I have to.
Created: Jul 20, 2010Document Media